Cherington tries to explain the Red Sox’s latest trade…in multiple languages.

Boston - Two weeks ago, Ben Cherington acquire Mark Melancon from the Houston Astros and fans all over New England thought that Melancon would be the new closer for the Sox.

“Au contraire!” Ben Cherington said during a conference call with reporters. “For all those who don’t know French, I just said ‘The A’s are Dumb’.”

It seems that Cherington might be right. He pulled what seems to be another steal, acquiring closer Andrew Bailey and outfielder Ryan Sweeney from the A’s, for Josh Reddick and two nameless minor league players. Cherington continued to gloat and show off his love of the French language.

“J’aime grands oreillers moelleux.” Cherington spouted. “You know what that means? It means ‘I’m better than Theo’.”

However, one of the reporters, who also knows French, stated that Cherington did not say ‘I’m better than Theo’ but rather that he ‘likes big fluffy pillows’.

“Alright, so my French is not the best. Looks like I will have to drop some Spanish on you.” Cherington replied. “Cachorros y los gatitos me hacen sonreír. That means ‘Billy Beane is not that smart.’ Ole!”

To nobody’s surprise, one of the reporters knew Spanish and informed Cherington that he really said “Puppies and kittens make me smile.”

“What? Really? Well, I do like fluffy pillows and puppies but that’s beside the point. As they say in Japanese: ‘Watashi no jōshi wa, hontō no jākuofudesu’, which means ‘I just made the trade of the century’.”

“Excuse me Ben, You just said: ‘My boss is a real jerk off’.” said one of the reporters, who obviously knew Japanese.

Safe to say, the interview with Cherington was over after that.

Sox trade the fragile Jed Lowrie and Kyle Weiland to the Astros for Mark Melancon, who is likely the new Red Sox closer. There are some who think that the Sox gave up a lot for this guy. To those I say: “Are your f*cking kidding me?”

Weiland was not a Roger Clemens, more like a Paxton Crawford. Who is Paxton Crawford? Exactly. Weiland will not be missed. Neither will Jed Lowrie - despite having some flashes here and there. Melancon had 20 saves for a God awful Astros team had a ERA below 3. I’d give you more stats about Melancon but who cares, right?

Looks like Ben Cherington is showing “The Nation” that he has some craftiness in him (and some balls). Could Mark Melancon be to Ben what David Ortiz was to Theo? This acquisition might not be a big splash now, but fans might look back at this trade, when Melancon is saving games left and right during the 2012 season, and declare Ben a f*cking genius.

Well played, Mr. Cherington.

How did Bobby Valentine become a managerial candidate for the Red Sox? The Lowdowne obtained a transcript of a phone call between Ben Cherington and Larry Lucchino explaining how Bobby V shot to the top of the Red Sox list:

Larry: This is Larry

Ben: Larry it’s Ben.

Larry: Ben?

Ben: Ben Cherington. The General Manager.

Larry: Oh yeah! What’s up, Slick? Hows it hanging?

Ben: Um, okay I guess. I was just wondering if you had a chance to review my list of candidates for the manager position.

Larry: Oh that was a list of candidates? I thought that was a list of guests you wanted to have on Mr. Henry’s boat. He’s throwing one of those mad rippers again. Should be off the chain.

Ben: No, that was the list of candidates.

Larry: Oh. Well, I don’t like them. In fact, they are not invited to the party either.

Ben: Really? Why?

Larry: Well, they sound boring.

Ben: How do you know? You’ve never met them.

Larry: I can tell by their last names. Sveum? What a terrible last name. Tom Warner can’t market that!

Ben: Well, he was my top candidate.

Larry: Oh, sorry. Don’t worry, Slick. I got a name for you to check out.

Ben: Okay?

Larry: Bobby F*CKIN’ Valentine.

Ben: Ha! You’re joking, right?

Larry: I’m dead serious.

Ben: Wow, really? You know he hasn’t managed in a while.

Larry: Don’t care. His last name is Valentine. How cool is that?

Ben: I guess it’s cool. But, I heard he has an ego the size of…

Larry: Mine? Ha! I know which is another reason why I love the guy.

Ben: Oh.

Larry: In fact, I’m not going to lie he’s my BFF!

Ben: I wish you would have told me you’d wanted him interviewed before I gave you the list.

Larry: You’re right. And to make it up to you, I’ll let you interview one of your guys again.

Ben: Dale Sveum?

Larry: I was thinking…Gene Lamont.

Ben: The old guy?

Larry: Yeah, his last name sounds cool. Like the name of a French beer.

Ben: Alright, I’ll interview Valentine and Lamont.

Larry: AWESOME! You’re great, Billy.

Ben: It’s Ben.

Larry: That’s what I said. Billy.

Ben: Goodbye, Larry.

It wasn’t too long ago that Nomah was kissing Henry and Co. ass when he signed a one day contract so he can retire as a Red Sox. Now, Nomah’s on ESPN saying how poorly he was treated when he was traded away back in 2004.

There’s no denying that Henry and his boys are total a$$holes, but these are the same people who welcomed Nomah back with open arms when his career was in shambles. He didn’t seem so angry at the owners then.

What a fraud! Your failure is complete, Nomah.

Ortiz tells ESPN that he’d rather play for the Yankees, he says there is too much “drama” with the Red Sox. Does he really think being in a clubhouse with A-Fraud would be any different? Good luck with that, Papi.

Boston - While many fans were blaming players and management for the collapse of the 2011 Red Sox, A-Gon blamed a higher power and it wasn’t John Henry.

“God! Damn you, you bastard!” A-Gon decried in the locker room to the mob of reporters surrounding his locker. “How could God do this to us? I thought saying my ten Hail Marys and Our Fathers every night would make a difference. Boy, was I wrong.”

The reporters were stun by this revelation. A-Gon kept preaching: “You know why we sucked so bad? God! That’s why! That son of a bitch had it in for us from day one of the season.”

Some reporters mentioned that other factors like John Lackey’s pitching and the lack of team defense was to blame. A-Gon was still not buying it.

“F*ck that! God made Lackey suck. He also made us forget how to play defense, swing and miss in clutch situations and just play below our expectations. It’s all about God - what an a**hole!”

A-Gon finished the interview, than headed toward the showers. But before he can get lathered up, he tripped over his baseball bat and landed right on his face. Bruised and blooded from his ordeal, A-Gon didn’t blame his clumsy self.

“God! Damn It!”

Don’t worry, Jon Lester. It’s not like your team’s playoff chances and people’s jobs (Tito and Theo) depend on your performance tonight.

Ryan Lavarnway keeps hope alive for the Sox. Two homeruns, great defense. I wish certain other catchers on the team would play that way.

Lackey tries to answer questions about his personal life. It didn’t go so well.

Remember when Manny was one of the most feared right-handed hitters in the game? When he was Mashing baseballs over the Monster and relieving himself in it? Remember seeing Manny showing off his graceful moves in left field (if you consider lumbering around like an elephant graceful)? Safe to say that those days are long gone.

Recently, Manny was arrested for slapping his wife around (see the lovely mug shot above). This comes months after he retired from baseball to avoid being suspended for taking steroids. Now, Manny will not only have the label “wife beater” dangling over his head, but he will have all of his amazing stats covered in a cloud of doubt because of his steroid use.

I don’t feel sorry for the guy. Neither should you.