February 2012
4 posts
2 tags
Magic 8 Ball: Aviles at Short?
It’s back! The Magic 8 Ball is ready to predict the future for the 2012 Red Sox, starting with my question about the Red Sox current short stop.
Question for the Magic 8 Ball: Aviles at shortstop for the Sox. Really?
Answer: Yes.
F*ck! I never thought I’d never be longing for the days of Marco Scutaro. How much more development does Jose “Don’t Call Me Julio”...
3 tags
Sox Get Minor Leaguer for Theo
Boston - The Red Sox and Chicago Cubs finally agreed on compensation for Theo Epstein. After four months of bickering, Bud Selig stepped in, like a father breaking up two kids fighting for the last cookie, and decreed that the Red Sox will get pitcher Chris Carpenter for Theo Epstein.
Before you say “Holy Shit! We got Chris Carpenter? Score!”, let’s clear things up. The...
2 tags
"Wakefield Watch" Available
The Lowdowne confirms that Tim Wakefield will be presented a watch by Larry Lucchino, dubbed the “Wakefield Watch”, after the knuckballer announces his retirement tonight. The watch will have Tim Wakefield’s face in the middle of the timepiece and will be available to fans this spring. In a statement, Larry Lucchino said: “The Wakefield Watch is an unbelievable gift for...
3 tags
Report: Oil Can on Coke
Report: Oil Can Boyd admits to using cocaine while he was pitching for the Sox. Ask why he took the illegal drug, Boyd said:
“That sh*t was illegal? Get the f*ck outta here!”
December 2011
2 posts
2 tags
Translating Cherington
Cherington tries to explain the Red Sox’s latest trade…in multiple languages.
Boston - Two weeks ago, Ben Cherington acquire Mark Melancon from the Houston Astros and fans all over New England thought that Melancon would be the new closer for the Sox.
“Au contraire!” Ben Cherington said during a conference call with reporters. “For all those who don’t know...
3 tags
Sox Steal One from Houston
Sox trade the fragile Jed Lowrie and Kyle Weiland to the Astros for Mark Melancon, who is likely the new Red Sox closer. There are some who think that the Sox gave up a lot for this guy. To those I say: “Are your f*cking kidding me?”
Weiland was not a Roger Clemens, more like a Paxton Crawford. Who is Paxton Crawford? Exactly. Weiland will not be missed. Neither will Jed Lowrie -...
November 2011
1 post
2 tags
Ben Calls Larry
How did Bobby Valentine become a managerial candidate for the Red Sox? The Lowdowne obtained a transcript of a phone call between Ben Cherington and Larry Lucchino explaining how Bobby V shot to the top of the Red Sox list:
Larry: This is Larry
Ben: Larry it’s Ben.
Larry: Ben?
Ben: Ben Cherington. The General Manager.
Larry: Oh yeah! What’s up, Slick? Hows it hanging?
...
October 2011
2 posts
2 tags
Nomah is a Fraud
It wasn’t too long ago that Nomah was kissing Henry and Co. ass when he signed a one day contract so he can retire as a Red Sox. Now, Nomah’s on ESPN saying how poorly he was treated when he was traded away back in 2004.
There’s no denying that Henry and his boys are total a$$holes, but these are the same people who welcomed Nomah back with open arms when his career was in...
3 tags
September 2011
5 posts
3 tags
A-Gon Blames God
Boston - While many fans were blaming players and management for the collapse of the 2011 Red Sox, A-Gon blamed a higher power and it wasn’t John Henry.
“God! Damn you, you bastard!” A-Gon decried in the locker room to the mob of reporters surrounding his locker. “How could God do this to us? I thought saying my ten Hail Marys and Our Fathers every night would make a...
2 tags
In the Hands of Lester
Don’t worry, Jon Lester. It’s not like your team’s playoff chances and people’s jobs (Tito and Theo) depend on your performance tonight.
3 tags
Ryan's Hope
Ryan Lavarnway keeps hope alive for the Sox. Two homeruns, great defense. I wish certain other catchers on the team would play that way.
3 tags
Lackey Meets the Press
Lackey tries to answer questions about his personal life. It didn’t go so well.
2 tags
What the F*ck Manny?!
Remember when Manny was one of the most feared right-handed hitters in the game? When he was Mashing baseballs over the Monster and relieving himself in it? Remember seeing Manny showing off his graceful moves in left field (if you consider lumbering around like an elephant graceful)? Safe to say that those days are long gone.
Recently, Manny was arrested for slapping his wife around (see the...
July 2011
1 post
2 tags
April 2011
1 post
4 tags
Agony in Arlington
The Red Sox lost on Opening Day against the Rangers. I know it’s the first game, there is no need to panic and jump off the Zakim Bridge (or the Mt. Hope if you are from the Isle of Rhode). There were some surprisingly bad performances from Jon Lester and Daniel Baaahd, but nothing beats Carl Crawford’s no show at the plate. No hits, three strikeouts - I don’t care if he was...
March 2011
2 posts
3 tags
8 Ball: Andrew Miller A Steal?
Question for the Magic 8 Ball: Will Andrew Miller end up being a steal for the Red Sox?
Answer: My sources say no.
No way! Everyone and their mom is in love with Andrew Miller this spring. He was the former top prospect for the Detroit Tigers, then he was traded to Florida for Miguel “One More for the Road” Cabrera. After running out of options with the Marlins, they traded him to...
3 tags
Henry Reacts to Being Fined
John Henry was fined $500,000 by MLB boss Bud Selig for criticizing baseball’s luxury tax. Henry’s reaction was typical of guy being fined a half million dollars:
Henry: $500,000?! Are you f@&king kidding me, dude?!
Selig: Seriously, bro. You hurt my feelings.
Henry: Fine, who do I make the check out to? Bud Selig or your given name Supreme A$$hole?
Selig: Either one will be...
February 2011
4 posts
3 tags
Phone Calls from Theo
Theo Epstein called John Henry the night before the Red Sox announced that they were signing Carl Crawford, to get the owner’s permission. He wasn’t available, but his wife Linda was. The following is an excerpt from their phone conversation:
Theo: Hi, Mr. Henry?
Linda: Theo! Is that you? How’s Boston’s cutest GM doing?
Theo: Oh sorry Linda, I meant to call your...
3 tags
8 Ball: Drew on D.L. in April?
Question for the Magic 8 Ball: Will J.D. Drew be on the disabled list before the end of April?
Answer: Yes
Seriously, I got this on the first try. Then again, I really didn’t need the Magic 8 Ball to figure that one out.
3 tags
Magic 8 Ball: Papelbon Blows?
Question for the Magic 8 Ball: Will Jonathan Papelbon blow more saves in 2011 then he did he 2010?
Answer: Outlook not so good.
Looks like Theo got the same answer from his scouts. I expect the Red Sox faithful to be chanting “We Want Baaahd” once Papelbon blows his first save.
2 tags
Magic 8 Ball Returns
Will the Red Sox win the World Series? How will John Lackey do this year? Is Jacoby Ellsbury as big of a pussy as we all think he is? These questions are already being asked by a number of Red Sox fans, tingling with excitement about the upcoming season. Naturally, people would like to know what I think since I am a well respected Red Sox blogger (Quit laughing). Well, I don’t know...
December 2010
2 posts
4 tags
4 tags
Crawford: "I hate cowbells"
So what really motivated Carl Crawford to become a Red Sox? Was it the money? The opportunity to play at Fenway? Surprising, it was neither. He just wanted get away from those cowbell loving Rays fans: “Tampa was boring,” said Crawford at the press conference. “I mean, c’mon man, the team needed to pass out cowbells because the crowd was so quiet. Man, if I hear a cowbell...