Don’t worry, Jon Lester. It’s not like your team’s playoff chances and people’s jobs (Tito and Theo) depend on your performance tonight.

Ryan Lavarnway keeps hope alive for the Sox. Two homeruns, great defense. I wish certain other catchers on the team would play that way.

Lackey tries to answer questions about his personal life. It didn’t go so well.

Remember when Manny was one of the most feared right-handed hitters in the game? When he was Mashing baseballs over the Monster and relieving himself in it? Remember seeing Manny showing off his graceful moves in left field (if you consider lumbering around like an elephant graceful)? Safe to say that those days are long gone.

Recently, Manny was arrested for slapping his wife around (see the lovely mug shot above). This comes months after he retired from baseball to avoid being suspended for taking steroids. Now, Manny will not only have the label “wife beater” dangling over his head, but he will have all of his amazing stats covered in a cloud of doubt because of his steroid use.

I don’t feel sorry for the guy. Neither should you.

Don’t F*CK with Big Papi.

The Red Sox lost on Opening Day against the Rangers. I know it’s the first game, there is no need to panic and jump off the Zakim Bridge (or the Mt. Hope if you are from the Isle of Rhode). There were some surprisingly bad performances from Jon Lester and Daniel Baaahd, but nothing beats Carl Crawford’s no show at the plate. No hits, three strikeouts - I don’t care if he was facing a lefty, those numbers flat out suck.

A-Gon had a great debut as a Red Sox and Ellsbury proved that he isn’t a total vagina by getting on base three times. Big Papi redeemed himself after a slow start by hitting a homerun to tie it up late in the game, but Baaahd ended any hope of a win by morphing into Papelbon and coughing up the lead for good.

Plenty of games left. No need to panic <gulp>.

Question for the Magic 8 Ball: Will Andrew Miller end up being a steal for the Red Sox?

Answer: My sources say no.

No way! Everyone and their mom is in love with Andrew Miller this spring. He was the former top prospect for the Detroit Tigers, then he was traded to Florida for Miguel “One More for the Road” Cabrera. After running out of options with the Marlins, they traded him to the Red Sox for pretty much a bag of chips. Now he’s mowing down batters and giving a deep-enough-bullpen even more depth.

How can this not be a steal for the Sox? What the hell is wrong with this 8 Ball?!

John Henry was fined $500,000 by MLB boss Bud Selig for criticizing baseball’s luxury tax. Henry’s reaction was typical of guy being fined a half million dollars:

Henry: $500,000?! Are you f@&king kidding me, dude?!

Selig: Seriously, bro. You hurt my feelings.

Henry: Fine, who do I make the check out to? Bud Selig or your given name Supreme A$$hole?

Selig: Either one will be fine.

Theo Epstein called John Henry the night before the Red Sox announced that they were signing Carl Crawford, to get the owner’s permission. He wasn’t available, but his wife Linda was. The following is an excerpt from their phone conversation:

Theo: Hi, Mr. Henry?

Linda: Theo! Is that you? How’s Boston’s cutest GM doing?

Theo: Oh sorry Linda, I meant to call your husband’s cell phone.

Linda: Oh you did. I answer his cell phone because he’s too busy counting his money and buying soccer teams. Ha! I’m kidding! Actually, I count his money. Ha!

Theo: Um, well okay. Can you take a message?

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Question for the Magic 8 Ball: Will J.D. Drew be on the disabled list before the end of April?

Answer: Yes

Seriously, I got this on the first try. Then again, I really didn’t need the Magic 8 Ball to figure that one out.