The Lansdowne Lowdowne

Magic 8 Ball: Aviles at Short?

Wed, 22 Feb 2012 11:00:05 -0500

It’s back! The Magic 8 Ball is ready to predict the future for the 2012 Red Sox, starting with my question about the Red Sox current short stop.

Question for the Magic 8 Ball: Aviles at shortstop for the Sox. Really?

Answer: Yes.

F*ck! I never thought I’d never be longing for the days of Marco Scutaro. How much more development does Jose “Don’t Call Me Julio” Iglesias need? I guess having Nick Punto as a back up is nice addition, if you like light-hitting utility players.

It’s been a while since the Sox got this position right.

Sox Get Minor Leaguer for Theo

Tue, 21 Feb 2012 14:00:06 -0500

Boston - The Red Sox and Chicago Cubs finally agreed on compensation for Theo Epstein. After four months of bickering, Bud Selig stepped in, like a father breaking up two kids fighting for the last cookie, and decreed that the Red Sox will get pitcher Chris Carpenter for Theo Epstein.

Before you say “Holy Shit! We got Chris Carpenter? Score!”, let’s clear things up. The Chris Carpenter you are probably thinking about is on the Cardinals, so don’t dream it’s over. The Chris Carpenter that the Red Sox received is a 26 year old minor league pitcher who has 10 major league games under his belt. This Carpenter also had a ERA that hovered near six while playing in the Cubs’ Triple-A and Double-A systems.

Theo Epstein for a minor league pitcher? What a sh*tty deal.

"Wakefield Watch" Available

Fri, 17 Feb 2012 17:30:06 -0500

The Lowdowne confirms that Tim Wakefield will be presented a watch by Larry Lucchino, dubbed the “Wakefield Watch”, after the knuckballer announces his retirement tonight. The watch will have Tim Wakefield’s face in the middle of the timepiece and will be available to fans this spring. In a statement, Larry Lucchino said: “The Wakefield Watch is an unbelievable gift for that special Red Sox fan in your life. It’s a timeless treasure, just like Tim Wakefield.”

The price of the watch was not released. Some have speculated that the price wouldn’t matter, because there are some fans that would buy anything Red Sox related regardless on how worthless it is.

Report: Oil Can on Coke

Wed, 08 Feb 2012 20:13:25 -0500

Report: Oil Can Boyd admits to using cocaine while he was pitching for the Sox. Ask why he took the illegal drug, Boyd said:

“That sh*t was illegal? Get the f*ck outta here!”

Translating Cherington

Wed, 28 Dec 2011 22:17:42 -0500

Cherington tries to explain the Red Sox’s latest trade…in multiple languages.

Boston - Two weeks ago, Ben Cherington acquire Mark Melancon from the Houston Astros and fans all over New England thought that Melancon would be the new closer for the Sox.

“Au contraire!” Ben Cherington said during a conference call with reporters. “For all those who don’t know French, I just said ‘The A’s are Dumb’.”

It seems that Cherington might be right. He pulled what seems to be another steal, acquiring closer Andrew Bailey and outfielder Ryan Sweeney from the A’s, for Josh Reddick and two nameless minor league players. Cherington continued to gloat and show off his love of the French language.

“J’aime grands oreillers moelleux.” Cherington spouted. “You know what that means? It means ‘I’m better than Theo’.”

However, one of the reporters, who also knows French, stated that Cherington did not say ‘I’m better than Theo’ but rather that he ‘likes big fluffy pillows’.

“Alright, so my French is not the best. Looks like I will have to drop some Spanish on you.” Cherington replied. “Cachorros y los gatitos me hacen sonreír. That means ‘Billy Beane is not that smart.’ Ole!”

To nobody’s surprise, one of the reporters knew Spanish and informed Cherington that he really said “Puppies and kittens make me smile.”

“What? Really? Well, I do like fluffy pillows and puppies but that’s beside the point. As they say in Japanese: ‘Watashi no jōshi wa, hontō no jākuofudesu’, which means ‘I just made the trade of the century’.”

“Excuse me Ben, You just said: ‘My boss is a real jerk off’.” said one of the reporters, who obviously knew Japanese.

Safe to say, the interview with Cherington was over after that.

Sox Steal One from Houston

Wed, 14 Dec 2011 12:30:28 -0500

Sox trade the fragile Jed Lowrie and Kyle Weiland to the Astros for Mark Melancon, who is likely the new Red Sox closer. There are some who think that the Sox gave up a lot for this guy. To those I say: “Are your f*cking kidding me?”

Weiland was not a Roger Clemens, more like a Paxton Crawford. Who is Paxton Crawford? Exactly. Weiland will not be missed. Neither will Jed Lowrie - despite having some flashes here and there. Melancon had 20 saves for a God awful Astros team had a ERA below 3. I’d give you more stats about Melancon but who cares, right?

Looks like Ben Cherington is showing “The Nation” that he has some craftiness in him (and some balls). Could Mark Melancon be to Ben what David Ortiz was to Theo? This acquisition might not be a big splash now, but fans might look back at this trade, when Melancon is saving games left and right during the 2012 season, and declare Ben a f*cking genius.

Well played, Mr. Cherington.

Ben Calls Larry

Wed, 30 Nov 2011 17:10:34 -0500

How did Bobby Valentine become a managerial candidate for the Red Sox? The Lowdowne obtained a transcript of a phone call between Ben Cherington and Larry Lucchino explaining how Bobby V shot to the top of the Red Sox list:

Larry: This is Larry

Ben: Larry it’s Ben.

Larry: Ben?

Ben: Ben Cherington. The General Manager.

Larry: Oh yeah! What’s up, Slick? Hows it hanging?

Ben: Um, okay I guess. I was just wondering if you had a chance to review my list of candidates for the manager position.

Larry: Oh that was a list of candidates? I thought that was a list of guests you wanted to have on Mr. Henry’s boat. He’s throwing one of those mad rippers again. Should be off the chain.

Ben: No, that was the list of candidates.

Larry: Oh. Well, I don’t like them. In fact, they are not invited to the party either.

Ben: Really? Why?

Larry: Well, they sound boring.

Ben: How do you know? You’ve never met them.

Larry: I can tell by their last names. Sveum? What a terrible last name. Tom Warner can’t market that!

Ben: Well, he was my top candidate.

Larry: Oh, sorry. Don’t worry, Slick. I got a name for you to check out.

Ben: Okay?

Larry: Bobby F*CKIN’ Valentine.

Ben: Ha! You’re joking, right?

Larry: I’m dead serious.

Ben: Wow, really? You know he hasn’t managed in a while.

Larry: Don’t care. His last name is Valentine. How cool is that?

Ben: I guess it’s cool. But, I heard he has an ego the size of…

Larry: Mine? Ha! I know which is another reason why I love the guy.

Ben: Oh.

Larry: In fact, I’m not going to lie he’s my BFF!

Ben: I wish you would have told me you’d wanted him interviewed before I gave you the list.

Larry: You’re right. And to make it up to you, I’ll let you interview one of your guys again.

Ben: Dale Sveum?

Larry: I was thinking…Gene Lamont.

Ben: The old guy?

Larry: Yeah, his last name sounds cool. Like the name of a French beer.

Ben: Alright, I’ll interview Valentine and Lamont.

Larry: AWESOME! You’re great, Billy.

Ben: It’s Ben.

Larry: That’s what I said. Billy.

Ben: Goodbye, Larry.

Nomah is a Fraud

Thu, 13 Oct 2011 15:28:34 -0400

It wasn’t too long ago that Nomah was kissing Henry and Co. ass when he signed a one day contract so he can retire as a Red Sox. Now, Nomah’s on ESPN saying how poorly he was treated when he was traded away back in 2004.

There’s no denying that Henry and his boys are total a$$holes, but these are the same people who welcomed Nomah back with open arms when his career was in shambles. He didn’t seem so angry at the owners then.

What a fraud! Your failure is complete, Nomah.

Ortiz tells ESPN that he’d rather play for the Yankees, he...

Thu, 13 Oct 2011 10:17:00 -0400

Ortiz tells ESPN that he’d rather play for the Yankees, he says there is too much “drama” with the Red Sox. Does he really think being in a clubhouse with A-Fraud would be any different? Good luck with that, Papi.

A-Gon Blames God

Thu, 29 Sep 2011 13:15:06 -0400

Boston - While many fans were blaming players and management for the collapse of the 2011 Red Sox, A-Gon blamed a higher power and it wasn’t John Henry.

“God! Damn you, you bastard!” A-Gon decried in the locker room to the mob of reporters surrounding his locker. “How could God do this to us? I thought saying my ten Hail Marys and Our Fathers every night would make a difference. Boy, was I wrong.”

The reporters were stun by this revelation. A-Gon kept preaching: “You know why we sucked so bad? God! That’s why! That son of a bitch had it in for us from day one of the season.”

Some reporters mentioned that other factors like John Lackey’s pitching and the lack of team defense was to blame. A-Gon was still not buying it.

“F*ck that! God made Lackey suck. He also made us forget how to play defense, swing and miss in clutch situations and just play below our expectations. It’s all about God - what an a**hole!”

A-Gon finished the interview, than headed toward the showers. But before he can get lathered up, he tripped over his baseball bat and landed right on his face. Bruised and blooded from his ordeal, A-Gon didn’t blame his clumsy self.

“God! Damn It!”

In the Hands of Lester

Wed, 28 Sep 2011 15:34:56 -0400

Don’t worry, Jon Lester. It’s not like your team’s playoff chances and people’s jobs (Tito and Theo) depend on your performance tonight.

Ryan's Hope

Wed, 28 Sep 2011 12:21:34 -0400

Ryan Lavarnway keeps hope alive for the Sox. Two homeruns, great defense. I wish certain other catchers on the team would play that way.

Lackey Meets the Press

Mon, 26 Sep 2011 21:15:11 -0400

Lackey tries to answer questions about his personal life. It didn’t go so well.

What the F*ck Manny?!

Tue, 13 Sep 2011 15:25:01 -0400

Remember when Manny was one of the most feared right-handed hitters in the game? When he was Mashing baseballs over the Monster and relieving himself in it? Remember seeing Manny showing off his graceful moves in left field (if you consider lumbering around like an elephant graceful)? Safe to say that those days are long gone.

Recently, Manny was arrested for slapping his wife around (see the lovely mug shot above). This comes months after he retired from baseball to avoid being suspended for taking steroids. Now, Manny will not only have the label “wife beater” dangling over his head, but he will have all of his amazing stats covered in a cloud of doubt because of his steroid use.

I don’t feel sorry for the guy. Neither should you.

Don’t F*CK with Big Papi.

Sat, 09 Jul 2011 08:12:36 -0400

Don’t F*CK with Big Papi.

Agony in Arlington

Fri, 01 Apr 2011 20:06:50 -0400

The Red Sox lost on Opening Day against the Rangers. I know it’s the first game, there is no need to panic and jump off the Zakim Bridge (or the Mt. Hope if you are from the Isle of Rhode). There were some surprisingly bad performances from Jon Lester and Daniel Baaahd, but nothing beats Carl Crawford’s no show at the plate. No hits, three strikeouts - I don’t care if he was facing a lefty, those numbers flat out suck.

A-Gon had a great debut as a Red Sox and Ellsbury proved that he isn’t a total vagina by getting on base three times. Big Papi redeemed himself after a slow start by hitting a homerun to tie it up late in the game, but Baaahd ended any hope of a win by morphing into Papelbon and coughing up the lead for good.

Plenty of games left. No need to panic .

8 Ball: Andrew Miller A Steal?

Thu, 03 Mar 2011 19:47:17 -0500

Question for the Magic 8 Ball: Will Andrew Miller end up being a steal for the Red Sox?

Answer: My sources say no.

No way! Everyone and their mom is in love with Andrew Miller this spring. He was the former top prospect for the Detroit Tigers, then he was traded to Florida for Miguel “One More for the Road” Cabrera. After running out of options with the Marlins, they traded him to the Red Sox for pretty much a bag of chips. Now he’s mowing down batters and giving a deep-enough-bullpen even more depth.

How can this not be a steal for the Sox? What the hell is wrong with this 8 Ball?!

Henry Reacts to Being Fined

Wed, 02 Mar 2011 13:01:00 -0500

John Henry was fined $500,000 by MLB boss Bud Selig for criticizing baseball’s luxury tax. Henry’s reaction was typical of guy being fined a half million dollars:

Henry: $500,000?! Are you f@&king kidding me, dude?!

Selig: Seriously, bro. You hurt my feelings.

Henry: Fine, who do I make the check out to? Bud Selig or your given name Supreme A$$hole?

Selig: Either one will be fine.

Phone Calls from Theo

Sun, 27 Feb 2011 20:17:00 -0500

Theo Epstein called John Henry the night before the Red Sox announced that they were signing Carl Crawford, to get the owner’s permission. He wasn’t available, but his wife Linda was. The following is an excerpt from their phone conversation:

Theo: Hi, Mr. Henry?

Linda: Theo! Is that you? How’s Boston’s cutest GM doing?

Theo: Oh sorry Linda, I meant to call your husband’s cell phone.

Linda: Oh you did. I answer his cell phone because he’s too busy counting his money and buying soccer teams. Ha! I’m kidding! Actually, I count his money. Ha!

Theo: Um, well okay. Can you take a message?

Linda: Anything for you, sexy!

Theo: Well, can you tell Mr. Henry I want to sign Carl Crawford and that I need $142 million dollars to do it.

Linda: Carl Crawford? He sounds cute! Is he one of your special assistants like that that Jed Hoyer guy? He was scrumptious!

Theo: Ah, no Linda. He’s a really good left fielder.

Linda: Ooooh! Silly me. What position does he play?

Theo: Well, left fielders usually play in left field.

Linda: Oh, Theo! You are so fresh. This Chris Cross guy must be really hot if you want to give him all that money.

Theo: It’s Carl Crawford. Look Linda, can you please tell Mr. Henry that I need to sign him or some other team will get him. Time is of the essence!

Linda: Theo, I like it when get annoyed. It’s so cute! What can you tell me about this Crawfish guy? You’ve peaked my interest now!

Theo: It’s Craw…Nevermind. He stole 47 bases, hit 19 homeruns and had an OPS of…

Linda: You know Theo, I never got into stats. They don’t excite me! Can you tell me something else about him? Like, what’s his favorite color?

Theo: His favorite color?

Linda: Yeah! Or what kind of food does he like?

Theo: Um, I don’t know. I know that he has a bunch of tattoos on his arm.

Linda: Oooh he’s a bad boy! I like him already.

Mr. Henry : Who you talking to?

Linda: Hey there sugar! It’s Theo. He’s wants to know if he can sign Chester Crawfish for $142 million dollars.

Theo: It’s CARL CRAWFORD!

Mr. Henry : Who and for how much?

Linda: He said “Yes”.

Theo: Really?! That’s great!

Mr. Henry : What am I saying “yes” to?

Linda: Got to go Theo! Have a goodnight cutie pie! Can’t wait to meet Calvin!

8 Ball: Drew on D.L. in April?

Mon, 14 Feb 2011 19:12:07 -0500

Question for the Magic 8 Ball: Will J.D. Drew be on the disabled list before the end of April?

Answer: Yes

Seriously, I got this on the first try. Then again, I really didn’t need the Magic 8 Ball to figure that one out.