Boston - While many fans were blaming players and management for the collapse of the 2011 Red Sox, A-Gon blamed a higher power and it wasn’t John Henry.

“God! Damn you, you bastard!” A-Gon decried in the locker room to the mob of reporters surrounding his locker. “How could God do this to us? I thought saying my ten Hail Marys and Our Fathers every night would make a difference. Boy, was I wrong.”

The reporters were stun by this revelation. A-Gon kept preaching: “You know why we sucked so bad? God! That’s why! That son of a bitch had it in for us from day one of the season.”

Some reporters mentioned that other factors like John Lackey’s pitching and the lack of team defense was to blame. A-Gon was still not buying it.

“F*ck that! God made Lackey suck. He also made us forget how to play defense, swing and miss in clutch situations and just play below our expectations. It’s all about God - what an a**hole!”

A-Gon finished the interview, than headed toward the showers. But before he can get lathered up, he tripped over his baseball bat and landed right on his face. Bruised and blooded from his ordeal, A-Gon didn’t blame his clumsy self.

“God! Damn It!”

The Red Sox lost on Opening Day against the Rangers. I know it’s the first game, there is no need to panic and jump off the Zakim Bridge (or the Mt. Hope if you are from the Isle of Rhode). There were some surprisingly bad performances from Jon Lester and Daniel Baaahd, but nothing beats Carl Crawford’s no show at the plate. No hits, three strikeouts - I don’t care if he was facing a lefty, those numbers flat out suck.

A-Gon had a great debut as a Red Sox and Ellsbury proved that he isn’t a total vagina by getting on base three times. Big Papi redeemed himself after a slow start by hitting a homerun to tie it up late in the game, but Baaahd ended any hope of a win by morphing into Papelbon and coughing up the lead for good.

Plenty of games left. No need to panic <gulp>.