Boston - The Red Sox and Chicago Cubs finally agreed on compensation for Theo Epstein. After four months of bickering, Bud Selig stepped in, like a father breaking up two kids fighting for the last cookie, and decreed that the Red Sox will get pitcher Chris Carpenter for Theo Epstein.

Before you say “Holy Shit! We got Chris Carpenter? Score!”, let’s clear things up. The Chris Carpenter you are probably thinking about is on the Cardinals, so don’t dream it’s over. The Chris Carpenter that the Red Sox received is a 26 year old minor league pitcher who has 10 major league games under his belt. This Carpenter also had a ERA that hovered near six while playing in the Cubs’ Triple-A and Double-A systems.

Theo Epstein for a minor league pitcher? What a sh*tty deal.

The Lowdowne confirms that Tim Wakefield will be presented a watch by Larry Lucchino, dubbed the “Wakefield Watch”, after the knuckballer announces his retirement tonight. The watch will have Tim Wakefield’s face in the middle of the timepiece and will be available to fans this spring. In a statement, Larry Lucchino said: “The Wakefield Watch is an unbelievable gift for that special Red Sox fan in your life. It’s a timeless treasure, just like Tim Wakefield.”

The price of the watch was not released. Some have speculated that the price wouldn’t matter, because there are some fans that would buy anything Red Sox related regardless on how worthless it is.

How did Bobby Valentine become a managerial candidate for the Red Sox? The Lowdowne obtained a transcript of a phone call between Ben Cherington and Larry Lucchino explaining how Bobby V shot to the top of the Red Sox list:

Larry: This is Larry

Ben: Larry it’s Ben.

Larry: Ben?

Ben: Ben Cherington. The General Manager.

Larry: Oh yeah! What’s up, Slick? Hows it hanging?

Ben: Um, okay I guess. I was just wondering if you had a chance to review my list of candidates for the manager position.

Larry: Oh that was a list of candidates? I thought that was a list of guests you wanted to have on Mr. Henry’s boat. He’s throwing one of those mad rippers again. Should be off the chain.

Ben: No, that was the list of candidates.

Larry: Oh. Well, I don’t like them. In fact, they are not invited to the party either.

Ben: Really? Why?

Larry: Well, they sound boring.

Ben: How do you know? You’ve never met them.

Larry: I can tell by their last names. Sveum? What a terrible last name. Tom Warner can’t market that!

Ben: Well, he was my top candidate.

Larry: Oh, sorry. Don’t worry, Slick. I got a name for you to check out.

Ben: Okay?

Larry: Bobby F*CKIN’ Valentine.

Ben: Ha! You’re joking, right?

Larry: I’m dead serious.

Ben: Wow, really? You know he hasn’t managed in a while.

Larry: Don’t care. His last name is Valentine. How cool is that?

Ben: I guess it’s cool. But, I heard he has an ego the size of…

Larry: Mine? Ha! I know which is another reason why I love the guy.

Ben: Oh.

Larry: In fact, I’m not going to lie he’s my BFF!

Ben: I wish you would have told me you’d wanted him interviewed before I gave you the list.

Larry: You’re right. And to make it up to you, I’ll let you interview one of your guys again.

Ben: Dale Sveum?

Larry: I was thinking…Gene Lamont.

Ben: The old guy?

Larry: Yeah, his last name sounds cool. Like the name of a French beer.

Ben: Alright, I’ll interview Valentine and Lamont.

Larry: AWESOME! You’re great, Billy.

Ben: It’s Ben.

Larry: That’s what I said. Billy.

Ben: Goodbye, Larry.